My greatest fear, realized


I’ve often heard it said that if we face that of which we are fearful, we are half-way through conquering it.

I’d give everything I own to realize this as a truth.  If it were so, then I would find hope, if only measured by 50 per cent.


Today, Day 7, this very day of Tuesday, Jenni has asked us to discuss the thing(s) that we are most afraid of.


Stigma attached itself boldly to where I go, it  rang loudly and added its weight to an already bottomless chasm.

Take a seat, and if you find yourself a bit uneasy, lean those loungers back, or go grab a cold one.  And, if you are the sort that would prefer not to ponder the realm I am about to enter.  Please leave.  No questions asked.  I will not hold you captive, nor would I want to.  Escape while you can.  I can accept your loss, if even you don’t think I can.  I am stronger than you realize.

  • Clinical Depression.

  • Three hospitalizations.  Locked wards.

  • Medications, many, and the re-evaluations of them.

  • Trauma.

  • Environmental footprints.

  • Genetic markers

The fear began early, but it wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I found myself skewed and debilitated.  Late in my twenties I became agoraphobic, and then began the periods of mania and depressive cycling.  In my early thirties, life took a turn toward sunshine and promise.  At thirty-two, it nose-dived, this time into a darkness so vast and all-encompassing I would realize my life was forever changed:

  • Marked.

  • Damaged.

  • Twisted.

  • Encumbered.

  • Disemboweled.

~ by coffeegrounded on May 7, 2013.

2 Responses to “My greatest fear, realized”

  1. Very, very deep. I hope that writing about it will somehow help you understand it.


    • Putting it out here was an exhausting task, but it is my greatest fear and I promised myself that I would be honest.
      Thanks for visiting…and trap those mice for my snakes, will ya? ;)


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